Eighteen More Days

It’s been getting more difficult to sit in one spot for even short periods of time. Painting has been especially painful, as my hands and fingers, elbows, shoulders, and my neck are also involved.

Four hours has now become too long in between medicine doses, but I have no choice. I’m not sure where I don’t have pain at any given time. It has been peripheral for the most part, and I have been able to distract myself through it, but the last few days, there is no more ignoring it. It is here and it isn’t going away.

Just eighteen more days until surgery. I am on day eight without smoking. Each time I think about how good it would feel to just smoke a cigarette and try to relax, I think about not being able to have surgery if I have nicotine in my system. I also think about after surgery now, too, and how nicotine will prevent healing of my spinal fusions. I will do anything, ANYTHING to ensure I get these surgeries done on time and heal as quickly and fully as I can. Living with this pain, how much it has been increasing and just trying to hold on to eighteen more days… and getting closer with each day.

I have been fighting depression and I seem to lose a battle or two on a daily basis. I try to keep as busy as I can, my hands and my mind mostly. As much as I need to stay away from painting now – which makes me sad, not being able to sit there even 15 minutes without my hands and arms tingling and going numb, not to mention the pain in my back, hips, knees, ankles… and the pain and numbness down my shin feels so intensely cold at times.

I do have my iPad and my Apple Pencil, as well as my little entourage of paper, pencils, erasers that I try to keep within reach. And my phone to be able to “research” future projects. After my eighteen days are up.

I can’t count the days fast enough. I am holding on as much as I can. And I can’t blame the crying on quitting smoking anymore. The cravings aren’t so bad to cause this much self-pity. Lol.

I’m hanging in there. I see my primary tomorrow for surgery clearance, maybe she can give me some ideas on other methods of pain relief/distraction. I still wish I could smoke a cigarette!

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